Fifty Cent Words

Matthew’s mouth was bloody and disgusting. He was cursed. On the very first day of his life, the doctor gave him to his mother after a hard delivery, and to her surprise, she found he already had a teeny tiny tooth. Her surprise was soon followed by disgust at how very ugly the tooth was. As well as all the others to follow. She made Matthew brush five, sometimes six, times a day. She made him floss and gargle with mouthwash. She routinely plagued the neighborhood dentist with checkups and cleanings. But there was no use. Matthew’s teeth were always crooked and discolored. Always bleeding and infected.  After many years of teasing by others in school, and even more years of study, Matthew graduated from college. He was very talented and quickly rose to the top of his field. Despite his appearance, he found he was very well respected and soon also found himself a very rich man. Still, the shame of his unsightly appearance followed him and he spent most of his days feeling very lonel...

Lesson 2: The Importance of Cool Points “Girls just want to have fun.” - Cyndi Lauper Things are going to get uncomfortable quick so get used to makeup, dress up, and eye shadow now before she asks. Just put on Silence of the Lambs and practice in a mirror like Buffalo Bill. Or you could take the less creepy route and continue reading. By the way, I didn’t have this to read so it was “Good Bye Horses” for me. Calm down. It was for a good cause. Hey, if you can’t stomach painting your daughter’s fingernails, or vice versa, give up now because it’s going to get way worse. Ladies do unimaginable things for fun and if you’re raising a lady she will want to do them as well. Do you think women actually want to wear shoes that aren’t comfortable? Of course not! They do it because they’re weird and weird is one of the best compliments anyone can receive. Get weird or be a sheep. Which pretty much amount’s to being a “baaaaad” father. Yes. Puns. They can’t all be winners. The weirdest dad on th...

This was a series of "lessons" that I wrote while learning to be a single father. Less of a "self-help" thing and more a comedic pep talk to myself! It was a fun little project and one I may pick up again. After all, I'm still a dad! Lesson 1:  Man up. “Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.” - General George Patton So you’re a new dad! Congratulations! Welcome to the most maddening puzzle-solving experiment nature ever conjured. Designed for failure, the Dad-yrinth is a lifelong committed battle to raise, educate, and foster imagination in a tiny human whose only goal is to break you. And make no mistake, break you they will. But you’re a dad. You won’t go quietly into that good night! Rage, rage into pony tales, construction paper, cartoons, and Band-Aids. Not unlike Liam Nelson, you too have a particular set of skills and you will need them. She doesn’t care that you can’t sew. She’s wearing the torn dress today and unless you...