On The Job Training for Dads: Lesson 2

Lesson 2: The Importance of Cool Points

“Girls just want to have fun.” - Cyndi Lauper

Things are going to get uncomfortable quick so get used to makeup, dress up, and eye shadow now before she asks. Just put on Silence of the Lambs and practice in a mirror like Buffalo Bill. Or you could take the less creepy route and continue reading. By the way, I didn’t have this to read so it was “Good Bye Horses” for me. Calm down. It was for a good cause. Hey, if you can’t stomach painting your daughter’s fingernails, or vice versa, give up now because it’s going to get way worse. Ladies do unimaginable things for fun and if you’re raising a lady she will want to do them as well. Do you think women actually want to wear shoes that aren’t comfortable? Of course not! They do it because they’re weird and weird is one of the best compliments anyone can receive. Get weird or be a sheep. Which pretty much amount’s to being a “baaaaad” father. Yes. Puns. They can’t all be winners. The weirdest dad on the block oozes cool points. You can’t buy that and believe me when you plan a daddy-daughter day and she’d rather hang out with her friends, you’re going to want those points.

If you’re not familiar with the “Spicoli System” you are already at a disadvantage so let’s break it down. Cool points are a scientific way of measuring one’s fun level.  Before you zone out because you just saw the word “science” used in a sentence, it’s very simple. Plus it's not really science but you’re already losing points because I had to point that out. The more points you have, the more fun you are to be around. Everyone starts with the same amount of cool points because kids get it. And you lose one or more every time you forget being a kid. Ditch the dance recital because you have to work, and you lose a couple. Call in sick to take your tiny human to the new Star Wars flick and oh yes, you just got serious points. Now obviously we all must work, but the way you choose to balance work and any other activity that takes precious time away from the very needy small person that helped herself to your dwelling when born will affect your score in her teeny under-developed melon. The key to putting in dad hours and still providing is, much like science, very simple. Keep trying. That’s it. The only one who remembers when you fail at life is you but when you fail as a father the reverberations go far beyond you. They become the memories that she will recall long after you’re gone. Yeah. Heavy. But think about it, would you rather your child remember that you took the time to teach her a hook shot or that you put another couple hundred dollars in the bank. Time IS money. Do you like spending time with someone who bombs around stressed and can’t relax long enough to laugh at a joke? Me either. Neither does your kid. She’s a tiny human being that hasn’t learned economics yet. She’ll get there when the times right but for now, she wants fun. So lighten up Francis and provide it. She won’t always be so small and wanting of your hi-jinx and more importantly, you won’t always be around to show her how fun life can be even when you’re watching from the gutter. She needs you now because she will need that later.

Now that you’ve gained much-needed perspective you can move on to the challenging part. The art of silliness. Never easy. Especially now since I bummed you out with the heavy stuff but therein lies the point. If you get it right, you can make a rectal exam go over like a carnival. Sharpen your wit. You will need it to cut through a lot of boring and to make up for all the mistakes you’re going to make. But what is absolutely imperative is to get the “giggle”. The giggle is what happens when she can’t stop laughing and you can’t stop listening. I’ve seen my daughter do some really cute things but when you hear her giggle the world and everything in it ceases. You can’t learn this from a book therefore I cannot teach it. What I can say is that you will know it when you hear it and when you do slapping on makeup will seem exactly like what it is…. a very small price to pay. Makeup sounds easy now right?