Fifty Cent Words

It’s disgusting, this plastic world we live in. Everything nowadays is made of plastic and the masses just keep mindlessly buying. I can’t stand it. We’ve lost touch with the old-style markets full of handmade artisan pieces. The great works of art crafted by someone who spent a lifetime to perfect their craft. Things that mattered. Things that had a soul.  Maybe I’m just eccentric. Or maybe it’s my carpentry hobby that’s caused me to spot how beautiful a handmade piece is and how lifeless those plastic mass made products are. To each his own I guess but if people could just see what I see, I think they would change their minds.  If they saw the grain of the aged oak hand-selected from a wild forest. The smell of the freshly carved pine tingling in the air. The intricate dovetailing and meticulous joint alignment to lessen the eyesore of the steel nails. There’s so much to love about the process and what the labor produces. What I build has purpose and function but also life. ...

The boy woke in his bed finding himself in a nightmare. A man stood above him holding a knife to his throat. The man mumbled something to a woman nervously standing next to him. “What if we’re wrong?” the woman said with tears streaming down her face. “We’re not.” “This is sick John! I don’t think I can do it!” “If we don’t do this, everyone we love, everyone, will die. You know that. “But he’s only a child!” the woman sobbed. “Don’t let him fool you, Sara. He’s a monster. He can’t be allowed to live.” The man looked back at the child staring up at him frozen in a state of shock. He gritted his teeth and started to push the blade firmer against the child’s neck. The door flew open with a crack. An older woman ran in dressed in nightclothes. “Hurry Martha!” she screamed! Moments later Martha burst in pointing a shotgun at the intruders. “Call the police Bridget.” “You don’t know what he is!” the man pleaded. “You don't know what he'll become. We have to do this! It’s the only wa...

We found them. We brought them here. And as we watched our cities burn we realized what they were. They were monsters. Since the beginning, we had scanned the cosmos for any evidence that we weren't alone. One day a team of researchers found that evidence. Soon we had pinpointed their planet and every expert we had, set out to find a way to make contact. Eventually, we did. It was a very crude system and there were many messages received that made no sense. After years of deciphering the communications, we stumbled upon the solution and were finally able to understand what the aliens had been saying. They wanted to meet. We worked together after that for years sharing our technology and learning so much from theirs. Until finally the time had come. The aliens would travel the huge distance to our planet on what they called a "Peace Keeping Mission". The first of them arrived and met with our governments. They were so odd-looking. Honestly, I was terrified of them. But the...

Lesson 2: The Importance of Cool Points “Girls just want to have fun.” - Cyndi Lauper Things are going to get uncomfortable quick so get used to makeup, dress up, and eye shadow now before she asks. Just put on Silence of the Lambs and practice in a mirror like Buffalo Bill. Or you could take the less creepy route and continue reading. By the way, I didn’t have this to read so it was “Good Bye Horses” for me. Calm down. It was for a good cause. Hey, if you can’t stomach painting your daughter’s fingernails, or vice versa, give up now because it’s going to get way worse. Ladies do unimaginable things for fun and if you’re raising a lady she will want to do them as well. Do you think women actually want to wear shoes that aren’t comfortable? Of course not! They do it because they’re weird and weird is one of the best compliments anyone can receive. Get weird or be a sheep. Which pretty much amount’s to being a “baaaaad” father. Yes. Puns. They can’t all be winners. The weirdest dad on th...

This was a series of "lessons" that I wrote while learning to be a single father. Less of a "self-help" thing and more a comedic pep talk to myself! It was a fun little project and one I may pick up again. After all, I'm still a dad! Lesson 1:  Man up. “Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.” - General George Patton So you’re a new dad! Congratulations! Welcome to the most maddening puzzle-solving experiment nature ever conjured. Designed for failure, the Dad-yrinth is a lifelong committed battle to raise, educate, and foster imagination in a tiny human whose only goal is to break you. And make no mistake, break you they will. But you’re a dad. You won’t go quietly into that good night! Rage, rage into pony tales, construction paper, cartoons, and Band-Aids. Not unlike Liam Nelson, you too have a particular set of skills and you will need them. She doesn’t care that you can’t sew. She’s wearing the torn dress today and unless you...

I suddenly woke from a deep sleep with the horrible feeling that someone was watching me. It was extremely odd. I wasn't having a nightmare. I hadn't been startled awake by some strange noise. I simply woke up and felt like someone was staring at me. I tried to shake it off and explain away the uncomfortable feeling to no avail. The hair stood up on my neck. Terrified, I threw on a coat and left my apartment heading for the closest place open where I wouldn’t be alone. I stumbled upon a 24-hour diner a block away. I scanned the restaurant as I sat down happy to see an older couple having breakfast. I had finally calmed down and settled in when the waitress asked me for my order. "A cup of coffee please." I said. "And do you happen to have apple pie?" "Sure Hun!" she answered. "Coming right up!" I started to ready my coffee. Not too much cream but just enough to lighten the color and... The feeling returned. I jumped from the table...

The three men woke up in a white room each handcuffed to a table. As they cleared the grogginess from their eyes they noticed the gun lying on that table. “Good morning!” a speaker blared. “It’s very simple. There you sit. A medic, a cook, and a hitman. To live, decipher who the hitman is. The chains will release when he is dead, or he kills you. Let’s see what happens!” The recording abruptly stopped followed by silence. There was a loud scramble as all three reached for the gun. One snapping it up and pointing it at the other two. The three men freeze, and silence falls over them again. "Well we know he's not the killer." smirked one of the unarmed men. “How can you be so sure?” said the other. "If he were, we'd be dead now," he replied. “I'm the cook.” said the man with the gun. “Now who are you two?” One yells out pointing to the other, “He’s the killer! I'm the medic. Quick! Shoot him!” “Wait cook!” the other says. “He's lying! I'm the m...

The chiming clock thundered through the cabin as I made myself a glass of bourbon, turned around, and promptly let it fall to the floor. It had been over a year. Thirteen months of sorrow but impossibly, there she sat. Just as beautiful as the day I last saw her. I was frozen in a state of shock. Eyes wide. Mouth agape. In utter disbelief. She smiled that perfect smile extinguishing all my remaining fear. I couldn’t help myself. I moved towards her falling to my knees, my head in her lap. She lifted my eyes towards hers and kissed me. She was more than just my wife. She was my most trusted friend. My soul mate, if there is such a thing. My broken heart renewed as we lay next to one another. We communicated with nods and smiles, kisses and caresses. Not far removed from other couples that have developed their own "hidden" language. We danced. We stared into each other’s eyes. I held her for hours and hours praying the night would never end. Then of course, before I knew it, it...

I love my Sister Beth. She’s the greatest Sister in the whole wide world. She plays with Daddy and me even though she says she’s too old to play with little girls and when I have a bad dream she snuggles with me so I’m not so scared. But she was too scared to snuggle when the bad man came. We both were. Beth was asleep but I saw the bad man climb in the window. I was too frightened to move. The bad man grabbed Beth and covered her mouth. He held her in the air squirming until she stopped. I lay quietly acting like I was asleep. The bad man looked at me but must have heard my Daddy because he turned quickly, walked out of the room, and jumped out of the hallway window. I screamed for my Daddy but when he walked in all he could do was hold Beth and rock her while he cried. I cried too. I told Daddy it would be OK. That I saw everything and I would tell on that bad man that hurt my sister. The policeman came and looked at everything. There were so many people and I was trying so hard to g...

I would make her feel such pain. I would cut her heart from her chest. Her unbearable agony would finally quench the burning hatred that she had seeded in me throughout our marriage. I had thought many times of elaborate ways of inflicting upon her relentless anguish. Each situation more diabolical than the last. Everything from dismemberment to skinning her alive. I gleefully reveled in my daydreams and her pain. Until I stumbled upon the perfect plan. I would make her scream in horror and relish every second of it. I made ready everything the night before. I was to be on a hunting trip and not returning till morning. But I'd catch her off guard while she slept. When I was finished I'd be rid of her. She would be nothing more but a mass of flesh praying for death. I carefully opened the front door. There was a slight creaking sound but too faint for her to hear. Slowly I walked up the stairs precisely picking each step as I climbed. I turned the doorknob to our bedroom and cre...